bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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