FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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