"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
