im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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