He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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