you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
