everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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