my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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