Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
