look no pants
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
