watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
