Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
just tell him i said nine months
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
