and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
