I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
