life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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