Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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