By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
