I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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