The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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