I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
