i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Did I show you my penis last night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
