I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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