I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
