I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
