I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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