What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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