I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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