So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
