I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
