I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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