So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
