Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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