u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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