You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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