Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
