Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize