Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
