remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
