Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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