Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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