you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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