pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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