"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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