I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize