I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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