Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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