FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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