I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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