college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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