Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
