All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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