Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
