never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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