You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
there was a trapeze. enough said
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
