Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
there's paper in my vomit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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