Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Randomize
