meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My first STD was from a foam party
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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