I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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