If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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