i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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