no, he came in my armpit
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
